Four days ago we returned from our very first sober vacation in more than 12 years. My husband and I, along with our daughter and her significant other spent 7 days in a beach front villa in North Carolina. We shared the villa with my brother and his family. It was a wonderful vacation. Everybody was able to do exactly what they wanted to do without any expectations from anyone else. If we wanted to do things together, we did; if we wanted to do different things than others, we did. It was so nice to go on vacation with others and not have to worry about “pleasing” someone or “disappointing” someone. We all got up early, walked along the beach, collected sea shells, took pictures, let our bodies be brutalized by the ocean waves, soaked in the sun, got tan and laughed. Over all, the vacation was relaxing and allowed me to get “into the present” which is something that is very hard for me to do.
Although it was a great feeling to be able to spend time with my family and not have my husband be drunk or passed out somewhere I had fleeting moments where alcohol consumed my mind. Thoughts of alcohol situations would enter my mind and I’d have to pray to be released from the fear. After more than two years of my husband’s sobriety and almost two years since I walked through the Al-anon doors with an open mind, I still have moments, even though they are becoming fewer and farther between, that I fear alcohol more than I trust my Higher Power.
One of the first nights of our vacation, my husband took his beach chair and a flask of iced coffee and went to meditate on the beach. It was getting late and the pool looked so beautifully inviting with the lights on and the water rippling and shimmering in the artificial lighting that the rest of us decided to stay at the pool and swim instead of sitting on the beach and watching the waves. The water in the pool was delightful. We swam for a while and then sat on some chairs and talked while our swim suits dried out a little before heading back up to the villa. It was such a beautiful night that I asked my daughter if she’d like to walk along the beach with me and meet up with her dad. She thought it sounded like a great idea until we looked down the stairs that led to the beach and it was pitch black. The lighting at the pool gave us a distorted view of how dark it had become while we sat in the chairs talking. We both looked at each other and decided that we should probably just blow off the walk on the beach and head up to the air conditioning and civilization.
We all walked into the roomy condo but something wasn’t right. My husband was not in our room. My mind went immediately to places it hadn’t been in over a year. The vision in my mind’s eye was of my husband drunk on the beach, unable to walk, passed out, or wandering into the waves and not even realizing where he was. A feeling of complete and utter dread engulfed me and I was filled with fear. I could feel my heart racing and pounding in my heart. I tried to act as if nothing was wrong but my daughter must have felt the “wave I was riding” and asked me what was wrong. I told her that nothing was wrong but she put my feelings our there for me to view. “You’re worried about dad aren’t you?” I nodded my head yes and then I took a deep breath in and said out loud. “God, remove this fear from me. I trust that You know what is best for all of us.” With that my heart lightened and I walked into my bedroom to take off my swim suit and hop into the shower. Before my suit was in a heap at my feet, my husband walked through the door and was as sober as when he left. I gratefully thanked God for returning him home safely and for taking away my fears.
It is just at those times when we are willing to Let Go and Let God, that God is able to do for us what we would not allow Him to do for us before.
Annie's Thoughts and Recovery 