Affirmations and Public Amends

I have been in prayer over my present “situation” at work and I have been asking my Higher Power for affirmations to guide me to know that I am moving in the right direction.  Each and every time I have prayed about what I need to do, which direction I should take, I keep getting this same quote in my mind over and over again.  The quote is credited to Pastor Martin Niemoller and I’d like to share it with you now.

“First they came for the Socialist, and I did not speak out because I was not a Socialist.  Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Trade Unionist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew.  Then they came for me, and there was no on left to speak for me.”

This stand that I am taking is probably among the hardest stands I’ve ever taken.  I have never been afraid of another human being; yet I am fear of my daughter’s life as well as my own.  The words spoken out in hatred were the same words spoken in the deep South, Nazi Germany and to Matthew Shephard.  The beginnings were “mere words,” but those words lead to actions.   All of these words lead to the destruction of innocent lives.  I wanted to run and hide, but I can no longer turn a blind eye to words that incite others to hate.   Perhaps God is using this trial in my life to strengthen me by giving me the personal knowledge of what words can do to lives. 

There have been times when I have witnessed words spoken in hatred and although I didn’t laugh or join in the “fun and games,” I didn’t open my mouth to voice my displeasure.  Silence can be just as deadly as words spoken in hatred.  Remaining silent when racial slurs or prejudices spew from venomous lips is just the same as if they were spoken with my own tongue.

I would like to make a public apology for all the times when I should have opened my mouth but remained safely silent.  With the help of my Higher Power, hopefully I will have the courage to speak out against hatred no matter what the personal cost to me.

Guilt, Shame and Despair

So, off I went to the retreat over a month ago.  I was so excited to be busy with learning and sharing with others that I didn’t remember how much growth can hurt.  I remember when I was younger and my brother would cry that his legs were hurting my mother would comfort him by telling him, “Those are only growing pains, they will pass.”  She’d hold them until his discomfort would pass and then off he’d be playing with his friends. 

I guess I must have done a little bit of growing during the retreat because since the last day of the retreat right up until now I have been filled with guilt, shame and despair and it hurts.  No, I wasn’t the one who did the “damage” by drinking to our family; or so I have led myself to believe.  I was the one who did all the fixing and made things perfect.  I made sure that my children were taken care of perfectly, I made sure that the house was taken care of perfectly, I did the best job I could do at work and my life was filled with perfection.  The epitome of a good wife and mother. 

Let me tell you what I really did.  I made decisions for my children that were not mine to make.  I made sure they were the decisions “I” thought were right and in doing so I have stripped from them a vital part of growing.  I have stripped them of the ability to problem solve because they never had to do it.  I made all the financial decisions in our household and not I’m out of sorts because my husband wants to step up to the plate and take care of the finances.  It’s something I have told him for years that “as a man he should at least be involved in our finances.”  So, why should it surprise me that in the 33 years of our marriage when I have done all the finances he would make a mistake and overdrawn our account for the first time it has ever been overdrawn?  How in the world could I have expected anything else since I did not give him the dignity to do it before?

Now, I am filled with guilt, shame and despair over what I’ve done to my oldest daughter.  Most people would look at me and tell me I’ve done nothing wrong in my daughter’s life; but they are seeing things through different eyes that I look through.  What I’ve done to my daughter is not to give her the skills to deal with life on life’s terms.  I have been the one to fix everything in her life from her skinned knees to her bruised heart.  I am the one that led her down the path of what office to choose, what house to choose, and who she should hire in her office.  No, I didn’t say, “You have to….”  but what I did is just as bad.  What I did is to emphatically tell her what my choices would be and the reasons why they are the correct choices.  Presently, she hates her office staff, she hates her house and she “wishes she could disappear.”  She told me today that she has 12 hours left in her day and she doesn’t know how she is even going to make it through the next 30 minutes.  She cried.  I cried.  She cried because she is so overwhelmed that she is paralyzed and can’t do anything to help herself get out of the hole she thinks she is in.  I cried because I am the one who dug the hole.  Every decision or path that I have led her towards has ended in disaster.  I want to fix it all but I know I can’t.

What’s worse is that I have learned the tools of Al-Anon.  I have learned that I have to give her the dignity to make her own decisions and that is up to God what path she should follow.  I have “detached” with love but its one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  Most would consider what I’ve done “noble” or a step of growth; right now I feel that I am watching my daughter die.  I know it is the right thing to do; but sometimes doing the right thing is much more painful than doing what I’ve always done in the past. 

Here I sit in my guilt for not knowing that my daughter has the intellect to ultimately come up with the right decisions and that God cares for her a thousand fold more than I do.  Here I sit in my shame knowing that I have played God in her life and it has been the most cruel thing I could have done.  Here I sit in my despair still wanting to fix things and still knowing that I can not.

The one positive thing I did for me today is I went to a to an Al-Anon meeting.  It was the right place to be, it was the place I needed to be.  I was surrounded by those who have walked where I have walked and came out victorious on the other side.  I can lay my head down tonight after doing my nightly review knowing that I did the best I could today and that this program is one of progress not perfection.

God, Thy will be done.